Into Tortall with a Bang!
by SUGARandSPICE1
Summary: Authors and then some get sucked into Tortall. Mary Sue? Wrong! What would happen if a gang of TP nuts, one of them's sister, and a Tortall hater all surface in Corus-or should I say, the Corus practic courts and banquet hall? One word: Chaos.
1. Default Chapter

OK, folks, here goes! I'm Rosalind, SUGARandSPICE. And more sugar, come to think of it. And some caffeine….but you get the idea. Anyway, Tortall and all the characters there, with the exeption of a few, which are cameo appearance(thank you Ali, Patrick, and Mrs. Barone)by other victims of Ash and my craziness at school. Nothing related to Star Wars belongs to us either, and MOST of that is All Her Fault! 

Oh, and we've have portrayed a few people not exactely as they are, i.e., not as smart, good looking, kind, or whatever else you want to think about, and humbly hope they'll forgive us. Sorry about that-Let the Craziness begin! 

"Pierce the Pierce books!"

Lydia lowered her pillow to attempt cussing Liz out, and promptly received a wack in the head. Rosalind heard the comment, put down her book, and jumped into the fray. Emily and Bethanie looked up from their cards in momentary interest as this new update in the pillow fight, then went back to 'Speed.' (a/n-that's the card game, people!) Ashley was zoned out.

A flyaway pillow went smashing into Ash's reverie. "Hey! I was zoning out about Tamora Pierce!" She yelled, wamming the pillow every direction. That's when the green mist crept into the room.

Bethanie stared at the fog where the rest of the sleep over crazies had been, unconcious of Emily slapping down cards. "Speed!" she announced, and realized her partner was paying about as much attention as Roul in protocol class. She looked up in bafflement. "What'd I do?"


	2. Chapter One, The Practice Courts

A/N-Ok!  It's my turn to write!  For those of you who are wondering who the heck these people are, I shall explain.  Liz, Rosalind, Lydia, Emily, Bethanie, Maura and I (Ash) all go to the same school. There are little bios at the end of the chapter that you don't have to read.

            Chapter 1

            Nealan of Queenscove was staff sparring with his friend and long time crush, Keladry of Mindelan.  His former knight-master, Alanna of Olau and Pirate's Swoop was watching.  Neal was about to block the incoming staff, but instead of the staff, he was barraged with pillows.

            "Alanna's a hooker!"

            "Lady Knights rule!!!"

            "Alanna had only one adventure!"

            Lydia again foolishly took her pillow down, only to be smacked in the face. (A/N-Lydia's smarter in real life.)

            Ash and Rosalind were staring and gaping at Kel, Neal and Alanna.

            "Wha-the-?" Ashley said.  Ash didn't finish her sentence because at that very moment Alanna snatched the pillow from Liz's hand and threw it down.

            "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!?!?!?!?!" Alanna said, getting redder by the minute.

            "A hooker.  HAHA!  I'm taller than you!" Liz said as she picked up the pillow and again started to pillow fight with Lydia again.

            "Why you *censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored censored*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Alanna screeched.  Liz stared blankly for a few seconds, then replied,

"I can do better than that."  She promptly went back to the fight.

"Oh yeah?" Alanna said challenging.

"Yep, you  ******************************************************************************************************************************************************************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            Everyone except the dueling Liz and Lydia stood in shock.

            "Wow kid.  I'm impressed." Alanna said.  Liz didn't even turn her head.

            Rosalind decide that now would be a good time to introduce themselves.

"Umm, hello.  We're from the future, and somehow we were sucked here into Tortall.  I'm... Lady Rosalind of…San Antonio.  This is," she said gesturing toward Ash, "My faithful servant, Ashley Kopunt.  The other two are-"

"WHAT!?!?!  SERVANT?!?!?!  NOT ONLY AM I NOT A SERVANT, YOU ARE NOT A LADY!!!!"

            "Okay, okay.  She's not my servant, and I'm not a "lady".  I'm Rosalind O'Casie, she's Ashley Kaupurt, the cussing one's Elizabeth Seul, and the platinum blonde is Lydia Nalsen."

            "I'm not a platinum blonde!  I'm-" she had yet again let her guard down and got whacked in the face.  Rosalind and Ash sighed in unison.  This would be an interesting trip.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Bethany and Emily had just finished another game of cards.  Bethanie looked around and started to wonder what happened to her friends.

"Hey, I wonder where the rest of them went." Bethanie voiced.

"Don't know, don't care.  Deal again." Emily said quickly.


	3. Chapter Two, The Banquet Hall

(A/N~Back folks! Run. Anyway, thanks to all who reviewed. Sorry bout the prologue being so short, btw, and this one. Here's Chapter Two-be afraid! By the way, for the record, it is 1:52 am, I've been dancing all night and an only awake in a state of altered consciousness, induced by caffeine. Just for the record. Here goes: Last chance to flee!)  
  
  
  
"SUGAR!!!" Oh boy, Ashley thought. Not good. Liz said something that would've made Rosalind flinch. Had she been there. Had she been there instead of speeding towards the banquet table108.3 mph, heading directly at the large, artistic, and extremely sugary looking confection on the end. "You know," Neal commented dryly, "this might not be the best way to introduce our gu-" CRASH! "You know," Lady Alanna answered in a voice that dripped more sarcasm than Rosalind now did white powder, "you may be right."  
  
Rosalind happily licked the blessed and all around wonderful substance known throughout the lands as Sugar(said Sugar is only bested by substance that all calleth Caffeine)from her clothes, face, hands, the table, completely oblivious to the stunned looks on the faces of all the lords, ladies, serving people, and general extra folks in the considerably large room, and to Ashley's chiding. Oblivion stopped short when Ash began scooping handfuls of guess what into her mouth between cruel, harsh words.  
  
Kel cleared her throat from the door. Eventually getting a majority of the room's partial attention, she started to say something, but was cut of by Nealan, with his usual-ah-flare.  
  
"Lords and Ladies, nobility and your Highnesses(bow in the general direction of the head of the table), allow me to introduce visitors from a far different place, one foreign to us and with different customs and…greetings. Ladies from the newly founded country beyond the Roof of the World…"  
  
"Texas?" "U.S.?" "San Antonio?"  
  
"Texisyewessantano, Ashley, Liz, Lydia, and Rosalind…"  
  
"She hasn't had her meds yet," Volunteered Lydia. Blank stares. "Smooth." Said Liz, and left Lydia to explain Rosalind's nonexistent medication while she checked out the sugar pile.  
  
Meanwhile, back in S.A, two twin sisters(they didn't look all that much alike, and they were very different personality wise, and down with Double Trouble twin stereotypes)were haven't a pillow fight. Sound familiar?  
  
Jayde Calsri hurled a none to soft pillow none too gently at her sister. The counter attack came with a battle cry: "Tortall and the Lioness!" "You and your Tam-"  
  
The green mist strikes back! (Main theme of Star Wars starts blasting, until-"CUT THE MUSIC, I'M TRYIN' TO WRITE A FIC HERE!" Crashes and sounds similar to a combination Stormwings smashing into a stainless steel bordered chalk board-Jawa getting put through a grinder)  
  
  
  
"Carnivorous cannibalistic carrion consuming cutthroats…" Liz and Lydia simultaneously lifted meat laden forks and waved them at Rosalind. "Mmm, roasted flesh…" Liz began. Rosalind stood up and marched over to sit by Daine, with the air of a highly offended duck. With in instants they were in a discussion about books.  
  
The banquet had gone more or less uneventfully-okay, okay, not uneventfully, but undisasterly after the grand entrance of the lunatics from over the mountains. For awhile, at least. Pages brought in huge platters of whatever in your opinion is the messy/disgusting/yuck-it- spilled-all-over-me-and-the-good-living-room-carpet-mom's-gonna-kill-me ist food you can imagine. So imagine huge plates/bowls/whatevers of it being bourne in by the hapless little people. Imagine it spilling all over everywhere.  
  
"The Queen's Riders! The King's Own! The Lioness! The Goddess where am I?!" It took the pillow flailing girl about 60 seconds to realize, but that didn't stop her from yelling. "What is she doing here(wild sweeps with the pillow in the general direction of her twin Jayde)?! She hasn't even read the books! I-"  
  
The not-from-around-here crew gaped. Finally Rosalind squeaked: "Maura? Jayde?" (AN-Star Wars fans: that was not my idea! Go kill Ashley! Waita minute, I take that back…anyway, the cheesy SW jokes, or most of them, are ALL HER FAULT, and sorry, 'Jayde')  
  
Ashley was being annoyingly cheerful and perky, and so in an accordingly annoyingly cheerful and perky voice suggested, "We have a habit of showing up at all the wrong times, don't we?" Lydia said something very intelligent: "We're gonna have a lot of explaining to do." 


	4. Chapter Three, More Chaos

(A/N It is now 2:03 AM. Again, run, run, as fast as you can. I like purple monkeys.)  
  
  
  
Most of the court seemed of the opinion that the two newest comers were very powerful mages, and Maura wasn't about to argue. Jayde might, though. "What's a mage?"  
  
"Just shut up and pretend you are one, stupid." Here Ash and Rosalind broke in with an exited babble. "Magic worker." "Someone with the Gift." "Wizard sorcerer magician type person." They were more or less being ignored, so decided to leave Maura to her basking and Jayde to her cluelesness. Lydia, Rosalind, Ashley and Liz gathered outside the hall for a council of war. Or maybe not quite of war, more of-alright, alright a council. But before anyone could counsel or counselize or be counseled, or whatever else councilors do at a council, an all too familiar shape exited the banquet hall.  
  
"Patrick!" Lydia gasped in horror. "What are you doing here?" Ashley and Rosalind looked at each other guiltily. "Well, it would be so funny…."  
  
"He's such a conservative…" They were interrupted by Patrick himself, who had not seemed to grasp the concept that Lydia's question was very rhetorical. "Being a Lord, of course. I am Sir-" "Hey! Ashley cut in. "You are NO knight!"  
  
"Resident Male Chauvinist Pig alert!!!" Yelled Rosalind and Liz, and beat Lydia to Patrick. "You have no right to assault me in such manner! I challenge you to a duel!"  
  
"Accepted," replied Rosalind, but Patrick rushed on ignoring her. "I choose the weapon, and my choice is atomic machine gun and-" Lydia rolled her eyes. "Patrick…"  
  
"He's hopeless," announced Rosalind. "I'm fed up." Responded Ash. Patrick disappeared.  
  
Meanwhile, Back in S.A.: "Speed!" With a pop, Patrick was in Ashley's room, where Bethanie and Emily were, you guessed it, playing cards. "Hello, Patrick. What the heck are you doing here?" Bethanie asked casually. Patrick opened his mouth for the whole run in, but found himself confronted by glares from two very vicious looking short people. He shrugged. "I guess Ashley and Rosalind's fan fiction skills are going bad, because I should probably be back where I was before I became a cameo appearance Tortallan nobleman." "Oh, so that's where they are," Said Emily in vague interest. "Speed." Bethanie sighed. "This is getting boring." Emily looked up. "Idiot?"  
  
(A/N…Yes, Idiot is yet another card game)  
  
  
  
"So," drawled Neal from the door, "Already making enemies?" "Oh, we didn't just make that one," babbled Lydia, "We-" Rosalind elbowed her. "Actually, yes." She grinned evilly at Liz. "I believe we have 12 duels scheduled to watch so far." Liz scowled. "I don't believe incencoredTamora Pierce," she muttered, but Neal didn't hear. He was looking from Rosalind to Liz and back. "I'd better go tell father." He announced, and strode off. Ash broke into hysterical giggles, and so didn't notice Neal's shadow. But Rosalind saw Maura follow Neal, with a look on her face she knew all to well. Neal saw to, and when he looked at her quizicly, Maura blushed.  
  
Liz hadn't noticed because she was paying attention to Ashley. "And what is so funny?"  
  
"His father," Ash gasped, "Is the palace healer…."  
  
"Speaking of which" Lydia cut in loudly, "Shouldn't we be heading home now?"  
  
"Exellent idea." Said Liz dryly, "We start hiking now and get back to Ash's by breakfast?"  
  
"Well, yeah…" Rosalind tried very hard not to roll her eyes. "It's not quite that simple…" "But," said Ashley, sombering, "We should try to get back soon, preferably before Liz's duels. And the others must be really worried!"  
  
"Yeah…" Agreed everyone softly.  
  
(Flashback to Ashley's room: Emily, Bethanie and Patrick are now playing Poker) 


	5. Chapter Four, In which the Green Mist re...

A/N: I'm baaaack!!!! Yes, it is I, Ash. Fear me, for I am hyper. Laker fans, beware. I am a huge Spurs fan, and I'm bound to trash Shaq and Kobe.  
  
Chapter 5 (I think…): In Which the Green Mist Renews Its Contract and Jon Nearly Dies of Smashing Pumpkin Overdose  
  
The-Everlasting-Know-it-All Author, Ash Kinsa, was just finishing reading the last two chapter that her co-Everlasting-Know-it-All author SUGARandSPICE had just put up. At this point, she was gasping from laughing so hard at the chapters that her friend has written after the long awaited Military Ball. Then, when she came to the end, she gasped for a different reason.  
  
*Gasp* "They're playing poker without the rest of the gang!!! This can not go on without intervention!!!" So she and her Everlasting-Know-it-All goodyness started typing rapidly on the keyboard.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~  
  
Bethanie tried very hard to stifle a laugh. Patrick had to have the worst poker face in the world. Even though they were only betting with the colored marshmallows that Mrs. Kaupurt had so foolishly left for the girls to get VERY hyper  
  
on,(The Kaupurts still didn't know that Patrick had arrived. Also, the time in Tortall goes about ten times as fast as the real world's ((in this fic at least))) Bethanie didn't take the chance. She would stash the marshmallows in her bag to use as favor buyers for her teenage brothers.  
  
Patrick, on the other hand, didn't really care if his poker face was terrible or not. He had just gotten a rare Royal Flush. Just as he was about to set it down, the Star Wars Theme starts to play, and a disembodied voice in the background says, "RETURN OF THE GREEN MIST!!!"  
  
Half a second later, they were right between King Jonathan of Conte and Liz as they were about to duel.  
  
Intermission  
  
You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.  
  
End of Intermission  
  
Go back a few moments before the last scene  
  
Not for the first time in the past few days, Rosalind sighed. Liz had sure done it this time. She had called Jon quite a few things that she was not about to repeat even in front of Dennis Rodman. The nicest of them would have made him blush.  
  
Liz wasn't the only problem. Ash had nearly spliced her head off when Kel had foolishly let her hold her glaive, almost let out the Royal Menagerie when she bumped into a bird cage that set off the domino effect, and she and Liz scared the entire palace when they screamed Bloody Murder at a maid who had come to fit them for dresses. (A/N We really hate dresses with a passion). Maura had annoyed everybody half to death with all her questions about the truth of Tamora's books. (Neal and other philosophers were baffled, because they knew all the famous historians, and none of them ever had heard of an author by the name of "Pierce".) Jayde wasn't as bad; she had at least made friends while pestering the ladies about their fashion sense.  
  
Despite how much they wreaked havoc, Lydia had to take the cake. She had, for no apparent reason, started reciting the entire Sweet Valley High series of books at a banquet. After doing so, she shoved to carrots in her nose and ran around the tables screaming at the top of her lungs "Look at me! I'm a made up thing called a what-cha-ma-doodle! They live at the funny farm, with birds and flowers and chirping birds with basket weavers who sit and twiddle their toes and thumbs, AND THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY! HA- HA! TO THE HAPPY HOME-" after this, Liz and Ash got up from the table and ran around singing the words to the song "The Funny Farm". This is how the song goes:  
  
The Funny Farm  
  
Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you leave because I'd go berserk?? Well...  
  
You left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see  
  
I've gone completely out of my mind.. And..  
  
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!  
  
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa  
  
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be  
  
happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're  
  
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!  
  
You thought it was a joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said  
  
that loosing you would make me flip my lid.. RIGHT???  
  
I know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed you laughed and  
  
laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad... And..  
  
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,  
  
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.  
  
To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket  
  
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're  
  
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!  
  
I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back  
  
for all my kind unselfish loving deeds.. Huh??  
  
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet and when they do they'll put you  
  
in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!!! And...  
  
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.  
  
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.  
  
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy  
  
to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming  
  
to take me away, ha-haaa!!!  
  
To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket  
  
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're  
  
coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!  
  
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time... (fade out)  
  
Rosalind replayed these memories as Liz was getting ready to duel King Jon. They were about to start, when three familiar figures and a card table landed between the King and Liz. Ashley was the first to react.  
  
"AHH!!! NO!!!! THE MALE-CHAUVINIST PIG STRIKES BACK!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" After this spiel, she commenced running around the practice courts while waving her hands in the air, all the while repeating "We're all gonna die!!!" over and over again. While this is happening, the Imperial March from Star Wars starts to play. Ashley did this until she realized that people were staring at her so she quietly sat down, nervously looked around the small assembly in the practice courts, then muttered, "Well, it's true!"  
  
By this time, the author was satisfied. She decided that her defenseless characters had been tortured enough, so she decided to rid them of the male chauvinist pig. Then, a thought struck her. She smiled, rubbed her hands together, and typed to her hearts content.  
  
Without warning, the PHANTOM GREEN MIST came and struck- to everyone's relief. The card table, Bethany, Emily, and the Male Chauvinist Pig were gone too. The only thing left of them was Patrick's Royal Flush.  
  
Everybody sighed in unison. But the peace was short lived, because Liz and Jon had just remembered that they were supposed to duel. So with her war cry, Liz attacked, even though Rosalind hadn't gotten the chance to show her how to hold a sword. (A/N Rosalind fences in real life and in this fic.)  
  
"SMASHING PUMPKINS!!!" Liz yelled, and charged at Jon. He simply moved aside as she ran into a brick wall.  
  
"Ow, ********************************************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she exclaimed. Jon was about to go heal her, when she came back with renewed vigor. She hacked and hacked at Jon, and he couldn't stop her blows.  
  
Now before you start to question how a twelve year old clueless fencer was beating a full fledged knight and king of a huge realm? Simple. She was also switching between yelling curses and belting out off key Smashing Pumpkin songs. (A/N Smashing Pumpkins were an alternative rock band.)  
  
"MY REFLECTION!!! DIRTY MIRROR!!! THERE'S NO CONNECTION, TO MYSELF!!! I'M YOUR ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "*************************", "I FEEL LIKE I AM ORIDINARY, JUST LIKE EVERYBODY!!!", "***************************", and so on and so forth.  
  
"NO!!!" Jon shrieked.  
  
At this point in time, our wonderful author kept trying to get the GREEN MIST to come save the day. She would have gotten Jon or Liz carted off, but the GREEN MIST refused to go because his contract was up. Sorry folks, but things might get icky.  
  
He was getting weaker and weaker as her cursing/singing/shouting went on. At last, he screamed like a girl and fainted. Liz had cracked her head when she ran into the wall, and she had just now noticed.  
  
"Oh, my head is bleeding enough to kill me or make me completely brain dead," she said in a dazed manner. "I'll probably faint any min-" she fell into a heap and green mist swirled around her and she disappeared.  
  
Nobody said or did anything for about two seconds. Then Maura boldly went up to Jon and picked up his hand for maybe a second at the longest, then let it drop.  
  
"He dead." She said with no emotion.  
  
"NO!!!" Jayde yelled. "NOT JON!!! NOT THE HOT, POWERFUL, RICH, ARROGANT AND OTHERWISE WONDERFUL JON!!!" Jayde ran up to him and started to sob. "WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD!!!"  
  
"Just kidding Jayde." Maura said before she and the whole assembly (excluding Thayet) burst into hysterical laughter.  
  
Fortunately for Jayde, the laughter turned to Lydia when Lydia burst out in a preppy voice "HAHA! You like, like Jon. That is SOOOO lame. I mean, like Roger was so much hotter…" Although everyone was laughing at Lydia, she had no shame.  
  
Unfortunately for Jayde, Jon had woken up during her spiel.  
  
"OH!!! I didn't mean it! I mean…"  
  
"You really like me?" Jon asked her, truly curious.  
  
"Well... yeah…"  
  
"Wanna get hitched?" he inquired.  
  
"But I thought you were married."  
  
Thayet barged in "YES MAM, HE IS!!!"  
  
"Oh well, to bad Thayet. I'm the king; I can do what ever I want. I'm not married to you anymore. I'm marrying Jayde."  
  
"HOLD IT FOLKS!!!" Rosalind said as she and Ash made their way over to the group.  
  
"You, Jayde, cannot get married." Rosalind said sternly.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because, you're too young, and you have to go to the dance with (insert Jayde's Military Ball Date)." Ashley said.  
  
"*gasp* You're right!!! I'm sorry Jon, but I can't marry you. Maybe some other time…"  
  
"That's ok. But whenever you change your mind…" Thayet promptly whacked him and glared daggers at him. "Uh, I mean, yes, yes dearie, your escort must be very excited to have such a girl like you for a date." Thayet was still glaring, but she looked a bit more satisfied.  
  
Lydia came out into the group and announced, "Well, now that's over with, who wants to hear me recite the entire 'Sweet Valley High' books?" Maura, Ashley, Rosalind, and Jayde said in perfect unison "NO!!!"  
  
"Oh, too bad. You're going to listen anyway. Chapter one-"  
  
As luck would have it, the author got the GREEN MIST to renew his contract and he immediately came to save the day. But he had just gotten back from his Union coffee break and was a bit hyper from all the caffeine. Because of this, he accidentally sent Jayde back with Lydia and Liz. Hey, you can't expect an elusive mist to get everything right.  
  
Back to the past. Most of the people had left the practice courts, and the only ones left where our crazy San Antonians and Alanna, Jon, Neal, Numair, Kel and George.  
  
"Well…that was…interesting." Neal commented.  
  
"No kidding," Maura said, "The only way this could get possibly weirder would be to have Shaquille O'Neal to land in front of us."  
  
"Who's that?" Neal inquired.  
  
"He's the showoff center for the L.A. Lakers. Why, what I wouldn't give to rip him to shreds…"  
  
The author smiled menacingly. "As you wish." she muttered as she typed.  
  
2.5 seconds after her comment, Shaq himself appeared in front of them, with a Whopper in his mouth. He started to choke from the impact of landing. Alanna moved to help him, but Ashley and Maura help her back.  
  
"DON'T!!!" They yelled in unison.  
  
"Let him choke on his Whopper!" Maura whispered in her ear.  
  
The author had pity on him, so she decided to get the green mist to send him to the San Antonio Zoo to be a part of the hippopotamus exhibit.  
  
"Aw…shucks. I wanted to get my wish. At least he was choking on a Whopper…"  
  
"Silence, insolent children!" Jon boomed. "You are wreaking havoc in Corus. You must somehow get back to where you came from. Numair, what have you found?"  
  
"Absolutely nothing."  
  
"NO!!! NOT FAIR!!!" Jon then throws himself on the floor and starts to have a temper tantrum.  
  
"I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Uh, right Jon," Alanna told the monarch in an abrupt manner "Why don't you all go to Pirates' Swoop with George and me. By that time, maybe the King will have…settled down a bit."  
  
"OK." Rosalind said on behalf of the other two.  
  
"Sounds like fun." Ashley said.  
  
"Aw…but I still wanna rip Shaq to shreds. In an instant, the GREEN MIST enveloped her and the next moment, she was at the S.A. Zoo with a chain saw in hand.  
  
"Oh goody…"  
  
There were now six people at the card table. They were trying to decide if they should play Russian Roulette or Strip Poker.  
  
I apologize to Shaq and all ya'll Laker fans. I got a bit carried away, but this was after the 5/13/02 game in S.A.  
  
Review! 


	6. Chapter Five, The Caravan

A/n: Hello, folks, and greetings from Paris! Yes, I am sitting at a weird keyboard in a hotel lobby, at quarter past midnight. I think. Sorry no update for so long…internetless camp for THREE WEEKS! **choke, gasp, fall over** Also sorry if this chapter isn't up to standard and drags a bit. Ash and I own nothing. Continue the craziness!

Chapter Five-The Caravan

Rosalind and Ash, on a sugarhighs as usual, bounced happily around the mass event of packing going on around them. Rosalind contemplated dazedly why so much luggage was needed for a three day trip-the attempt to outfit the newcomers had failed miserably with the Great Dress Misadventure, much to Lady Alanna's amusement. Rosalind herself was very smug for at least digging out a somewhat fitting pair of breeches, shirt and tunic. Stubborn Liz was probably now comfortable in a CLEAN pair of jeans, and Ash…Ash had never gotten around to changing out of her purple monkey pajamas. 

Ash and Rosalind were suddenly brought back to Earth-er-the ground-by a glaring servant who evidently thought they ought to stop bouncing on Numair Salmalin's suitcase. Yes, Numair was visiting Pirate's Swoop, as well as Daine and the Royal kids, who were trying to sneak away from Mommy and Daddy Highness for awhile, plus Neal, who everyone decided was necessary to keep the All High Crazy Ones in control, and Kel, who Neal dragged along for the heck of it. Cleon had thrown a temper tantrum, and had seemed dangerously close to decapitating someone when Rosalind made faces at him from the departing road party.

When they finally got out of Corus, Rosalind struck up a loud rendition of On the Road Again. Note: Rosalind couldn't carry a tune in a bucket if her life depended on it. As horses neighed in terror and Alanna turned an ominous shade of powerpuff purple, Ash decided to join in. Ash is destined for great things in music, and Neal promptly started spewing off bad poetry to her voice. The only problem was that Ash didn't know the song, and could only follow Rosalind's example. Between this and Neal's antics, the drivers all covered their ears, leaving the frenzied horses free rein. Ash caterwauled on as our friends the frenzied horses tried to flee, leaping off the road, through rivers…*Cut that wild west music! It's drowning out the sounds of screaming!* And everyone was screaming, well, everyone except Alanna who was cussing and Ash who was singing and Neal who was reciting. This continued, until Ash was suddenly struck by bright orange lightning. "NOOO!" Rosalind screamed, throwing herself down by Ash's still figure. "Not Ash! Not my friend and faithful servant Ash!" Rosalind grew red(not that she noticed, she was to busy being dramatic)with a growing sense of determination. "Don't worry; Ash, you shall not have died in vain!" Ashley suddenly perked up. "I'm not quite dead yet!" She announced, but Rosalind ignored her as she stormed off to confront the evilly laughing Roger of Conte. The evilly laughing nut suddenly stopped evilly laughing. "Hey! YOU'RE not allowed to come back from the dead, just me!" He yelled at Ash in a quickly growing hissy fit.  "Ah shut up, you scruffy looking nerf herder!" Rosalind muttered bad temperedly, and glared at Ash, who looked injured. "I didn't bring him in! This is YOUR chapter!" "Well, I certainly didn't-" Roger broke into more mad laughter, and started chanting: "The Union did it, the Union did it!" Blank stares. Roger started up again. "We petitioned the Dark God for a Dead Villain's Union, and have now set up a reincarnation system with Customs and Security Gates. The Union is democraticly run by…" Roger rambled on and on until Rosalind muttered, "He deserves to have Lydia sicked on him!"

Meanwhile, back at the house, Lydia, Jayde, Bethanie, Liz and the rest of the gang were happily watching Spaceballs as the fourth movie in a Mel Brooks marathon, interlaced with Patrick arguing for Monty Python and highly physical and interactive games of War. Lydia had just declared War on Jayde, but decided to attack Patrick instead. Thankfully for Patrick, the GREEN MIST arrived for its prey! 

"Chapter One," proclaimed Lydia, then caught sight of Roger and began to drool. Ash and Rosalind raised their eyes to the sky. Then, to the amazement of all heaven and earth, a dopey grin plastered itself on Roger's face. "Hello," he stuttered drunkenly, "I like your platinum blond hair.." And to the further shock of all heaven and earth, Lydia didn't snap his head off on the spot. "Really? You're sorta hot…" Then they wandered off, leaving Ash and Rosalind gaping like dead codfish. 

Liz and the rest of the crew were just beginning to notice Lydia's absence, but were distracted by Maura's sudden enterance with a small pop. "Hey Maura!" Bethanie greeted. "How was the zoo?" Maura started giggling maniacly. "The lions are happy!"


End file.
